DECEMBER 17th, 2020
TERRORIST BOMBING KILLS ATLEAST A DOZEN, INCLUDING MAYOR
MANY OTHERS INJURED IN MASSIVE EXPLOSION AND FIRESTORM
TERRORIST BOMBING KILLS ATLEAST A DOZEN, INCLUDING MAYOR
MANY OTHERS INJURED IN MASSIVE EXPLOSION AND FIRESTORM
SUNSET ISLAND, MONOFORD, WA
The ash is finally starting to settle on Sunset Island after a terrifying night of mayhem that only came under control late yesterday afternoon. The facts are still hazy, but what is known is that around 5pm local time in downtown Monoford, state authorities located an explosive device in the Office of the Mayor on Sunset Island. The Mayor, Bud E. Pudley III, had served competently for about two hours during a large bank raid that cost the city the lives of several officers and civilians. During the confusion in the ensuing police incident, it has been reported that the device, a decommissioned Mark 82 500lb General Purpose Bomb stolen from Fairchild AFB last month by a group of fraggers, was snuck into the Mayor's panic room. At the time, the panic room was in use as a petting zoo, centred around the Chief of Police's pet unicorn.
The device was discovered by wandering Washington State Police Inspector, Jetaime Alexandria, who promptly evacuated the Mayor from the building, and with the help of local MFPD officers, was able to contain the threat at City Hall. The explosion itself didn't kill anyone, but the fires that spread around downtown Monoford did claim the lives of several civilians, paramedics, firefighters, police officers, and Mayor Pudley himself. Pudley managed the emergency response from the first floor of city hall, fighting off the flames with a handheld fire extinguisher before he made the fatal realization that the Chief of Police's pet Unicorn was still in the petting zoo. Before his Secret Service detail could stop him, Mayor Pudley ran into the burning elevator, and wasn't seen again. It is reported his body was found with that of the unicorn in the aftermath.
After his sacrifice to save the unicorn, Mayor Bud E. Pudley's charred remains were given the keys to the city and a triumphant parade around town. It is reported that the Washington Department of Education will implement a new program named the Bud E. Pudley Memorial Fire Safety Program, to be taught to all grades in Washington state schools, in order to remind children that running into burning buildings is "Fucking Stupid", as put by Washington State Governor, Ronald Rump.
SANTA COMES TO TOWN, COAL DISTRIBUTED
ST. NICHOLAS HANDS OUT COAL AND OTHER GOOD GIFT IDEAS AT MONOFORD CONVENTION CENTRE
ST. NICHOLAS HANDS OUT COAL AND OTHER GOOD GIFT IDEAS AT MONOFORD CONVENTION CENTRE
MONOFORD CONVENTION CENTRE, MONOFORD
Santa Claus made his annual pilgrimage to Washington State yesterday, providing the citizens of Monoford with gifts, including certain fossil fuels, which the State of Washington was quick to remind parents, should be kept away from children at all times, as exposure to the carcinogenic substance could prove fatal, though Governor Rump was quick to tweet that Washington State coal "Was the greatest, bestest, most coaliest coal" and was perfectly safe to serve to children over the age of 18 months.
When The Monoford Daily Times Journal-Post Tribune reached out to St. Nicholas for comments on Governor Rump's statement, he timidly responded Governor Rump was given coal as a boy, and may have eaten too much of it himself.
FRAGGERS DOWN CANADIANS, 8-5
REED RIPS TWO HOMERS, NEARY STRIKES OUT 7
FRAGGERS STADIUM, PORT OF BOXER, MONOFORDREED RIPS TWO HOMERS, NEARY STRIKES OUT 7
The Monoford Fraggers pulled out a win last night over the True North Canadians at home, 8 to 5. Steve Reed, the Fraggers first baseman, had 3 hits, two of them long balls, and ended his night with 4 RBI's. Ben Neary, Monoford's number 2 starter, struck out 7 men and went for seven and a third innings before he was pulled. Neary has been electric in his starts, but his record is still 2-4 to start the season.
The game looked over at the top of the ninth, but the Canadians got 4 runs across the plate before the inning was over. The offence and starting pitching of Monoford has been fantastic so far this year, with the team having a combined .311 batting average through the first 6 weeks of the season, though the late rally has been endemic of the team thus far, as they are 12-25 in their first two months of play.
At the post game news conference, Steve Reed, who is a favourite for MVP this season, said that the team really needs to improve the bullpen. "Frankly, we fucking suck in the last two innings. To ask us to hit more to make up for the pitching being shitty is straight fucked. We need more arms. Better arms. I hate losing in the 9th. Fuck that shit."
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